Earlier I wrote about feeling like two people vying for dominance in my head, the old Kevin and the new, and I think those two personalities have come to a silent agreement. There’s a harmony between the two of them as they learn to co-habituate inside my skull, and things have actually become very peaceful for me. However, I often wonder if there‘s ever going to be a time in life again where I don’t simultaneously feel two ways about something.
As some of you who read my wife’s blog know, she’s pregnant. That is such an amazing and exciting thing for us, and I can’t describe how happy I’ve become knowing that Aiden has a little brother or sister coming along. At the same time, I’m scared witless. My head fills with doubts and fears I didn’t foresee.
For example, I didn’t realize that I would be afraid every time my wife is in the bathroom longer than two minutes, silently tense and straining to hear in case something is wrong. I’m a man and my natural instinct is to protect, but this is something that I can’t protect her from. I can only be there as soon as possible to provide comfort.
I talked to her about this fear, and we came up with a safe word if she knows I’m listening. She calls our unborn baby Butterfly, so now if I’m around and everything is okay she’ll shout out “Butterfly!”… I know that probably seems pretty weird. Better than me spending even one extra second worrying about it, though.
I have a feeling I’ll be a long time with these dual opposing emotions. I think it’s natural, even logical. Worry and love. Fear and hope. Anxiety and excitement. They provide a counterbalance to one another. Frustrating but… comforting? Nothing is simple anymore.
2 comments:
thank you for sharing...my wife and i lost our son last August and as strange as it sounds it is comforting reading about how someone goes through the similar process.
we have decided to try again at becoming parents and i am certain similar thoughts are headed my way when the time comes.
There is a sadness from knowing someone else is walking the same road, but I think it's natural to feel comfort that you're not alone. The more dads I meet who have gone through this, the more confidence I have that I'll make it through.
My best wishes to you and your wife. Keep me posted when you guys get pregnant. That's a road I'm more than happy to share with as many as I can find to walk it!
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