Letting Go

A few weeks ago my grandfather passed away. Before you start feeling any sympathy, let me tell you a bit about this guy.

When I was a child my parents brought him into our home, because, honestly, I don't think anyone else would take him. He was a miserable person to be around, always 'joking around' by ferreting out your deepest insecurities and jabbing witticisms down your throat to make you feel as small and insignificant as possible. It wasn't hard for him, he was a genius. He was musically talented in multiple instruments, first class at chess, and his memory was nearly flawless.

So a young boy of 5, of course, was an easy target.

Going Foward

Writing here is really hard for me. Admission of feelings is a foreign thing to most guys. We're strong, we're stoic. We beat our chests and pretend to be invincible. We stand tall in the face of adversity, and face danger head on. We try to convince ourselves that we're modern day superheroes, and, to their credit, our female counterparts let us believe it.

But when it comes to admitting to a weakness, no matter how well deserved, guys will tend to balk.

This isn't a blanket statement, of course. I know there are plenty of men out there in touch with their feelings and completely comfortable sharing them. Neither is the above meant to alienate or effeminize those particular guys in any way (and yes, I just made up a word there). I just mean to point this out to try to help define why it is that, for me, coming here isn't the easiest or most desirable thing to do.

I do it anyway because I'm a man, and, damn it, if a thing's difficult then it's a challenge to best... But really I do it because it helps ease my burden, and at this point I've neglected my burden so long it's begun to weigh heavily on my heart.

Special Thanks

By the way, I want to thank Francesca from Small Bird Studios for the blog overhaul. Much less 'Template Blog_01' and much more 'Kevin: Aiden's Father'. If you have a blog as well and are looking for a little flair aside from the default templates, go ahead and shoot over to http://blogdesigninspire.com/ and check out her work.

Fatherhood 2: Second Chances

Today we're 6 months into pregnancy with our second child. Every second of every day has been a heart in your throat experience. Expectation is that something horrible is going to go wrong. Every morning I find myself asking Angie how baby boy is doing. Is he active? Has she felt him move recently?

So far all is well, but I'll always have that nagging feeling that at some point, for whatever reason, I'll get a call from the doctor's office, 'Angie's here, we need you to come right away. No we can't say what's wrong; just come as quickly as you can.'

It's terrible living with this amount of fear... But there's also hope that in 3 more months I'll have a healthy son squirming in my arms and basking in my affection. That hope is enough, for now.