Saturday, March 5, 2011

More on me...

Sometimes I get a feeling when I write that what I'm putting down is pure gold. Then when I go back and reread everything I find that it's really just average at best. I read a short essay by Stephen King one time that basically said if you want to be a writer, you have to just write and let someone else take over reading. If you go back and read your own work you'll find that you want to change too much, and when you're through with the editing you'll have something completely different from the original more often than not.

So I'm trying to take a back seat to my editing process. I'm going to write my ideas down once, breeze over it for spelling and grammar errors, and move on. If what I put down is crap, I'm sure I'll hear about it. If not then good for me. That being said...

I have been spending a lot of time on me lately. Over the past 6 months I've been trying to be Kevin Before Aiden. That's not to say I was trying to forget my son, but I think I was trying to forget the grief of losing him. I tried so hard to be this person that I was, that I was missing the person that I am now.

 Kevin After Aiden is a sad, angry fellow. Who wants those to be their defining traits, right? But ignoring KAA just made him sullen and resentful. He was a walking time bomb of emotion waiting for the right moment to blow up in everyone's face. So what should I have done? How do you reconcile the past and present Self when the two are so drastically different?

Ignoring there's a problem is step #1... for disaster! I know now I should have validated that I was a new person. Sure, I made noises that, yes, I'm not the same and, no, things won't be the way they were. But did I believe me, or was I just giving myself lip service and secretly saying, "Fuck you, self, I'll be who I was no matter what."? Well I guess it's obvious I was doing the latter.

In the past few weeks since I've started getting therapy, I've gotten to know this new me. Turns out he's not as different from the old me as I was afraid he'd be. He's broken hearted, but resilient. He's angry, but willing to forgive. He's still a goofball, but his sense of humor no longer borders on the shocking. All in all I wouldn't say new me is better than old me, but admitting that I'm changed has made new me better at being himself, and less likely to lash out needlessly.


Anonymous said...

The 'new' you will always be something that the 'old' you will never be ....... A Dad. Sure the 'new' you is a little battered and bruised, sometimes feeling like everything is hopeless, pissed off at the world (and rightly so) but the 'new' you will NEVER take anything for granted, will love his wife even more, is a stronger person, and most importantly the 'new' you is the Dad to a beautiful little boy. The old you couldn't say that. :)

You will never forget Aiden but you will become less angry. There will be more good days than bad. Sure you will still have days/moments for the rest of your life where you just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Nearly 5 years on I still have those days and that's ok. It would be abnormal if you didn't.


Hugs from a fellow 'angry at times' parent of an angel. :)

Kevin said...

Thank you. You just pointed out something that I've been told many times, but haven't really applied to this change in myself. I'm a father... I guess it's something I've known but haven't thought about consciously. Just a driving force in the back of my mind silently defining me.

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