Friday, October 29, 2010

Fear of Life

Angie and I have been arguing. Not the screaming, yelling kind of fighting reserved for more explosive couples and certain TV dramas. Rather it was a quiet, 'I don't want to talk to you, look at you, think about you' type of argument that is, in some ways, far more devastating. And definitely harder to resolve. When you don't know why the other person is angry or upset and can't get them to communicate... Let's just say we both learned a valuable lesson in the department of digging deeper for meaning in each others words before jumping to conclusions.

Before I go on, the argument was resolved and largely originated from a misunderstanding. She misunderstood something I had said, and I misunderstood her mood as a result.

The argument was about starting to have children again. Her stance was, 'Why haven't you gotten me pregnant again yet?', and mine was 'I'm terrified and I'd like some more time to process our loss and prepare for a new life before I go jumping into anything'. Even though everything has been settled, I'd like to explore and describe my fears a little bit, and see who else suffers like this.

Let me paint a picture for you, and keep in mind this isn't going to be a perfect metaphor, but it's as close as I could come to explaining my point. Let's say your suited up with a parachute and you're about to go skydiving for the first time. That's a scary enough thing, right? Now imagine that you've lost someone to skydiving. Someone you loved with all of your heart. You know, logically, that it's a very small chance that it would ever happen again, but emotions rarely follow any logic.

That's how I feel right now. I feel like I'm in an airplane, and someone is urging me to jump before I'm ready. This is something that I want to do, but if anyone tries to make you do it, it just makes you want to stand your ground more firmly. I need that peace of mind that this is my decision before I'm ready to leap.

I feel bad, because I know that being pregnant again will give Angie what she needs to heal. How can I sacrifice her chance to heal just for my own selfish fears? I'm so very conflicted right now, and I'm sure that fracture in my own thoughts has led to this being a very confusing post. There's nothing to be done for it now.

Maybe someone with experience will read this and provide me some insight to help me make a decision. Should I take a leap for her sake, or stay until I'm absolutely ready to take the risk?


Angie said...

I'm grateful to have a husband who is so good at communicating with me, even when I don't want to talk. I love you Mr. Skydiver.

still life angie said...

My husband and I had the opposite reactions, where I didn't want to get pregnant, and he wanted to get pregnant right away. I am over 35, so I didn't want to wait too long, either. Our MFM told us that we should wait at least six months before trying again. I was actually really grateful for that time. It was time where we were told we couldn't, or shouldn't, get pregnant. We talked about it an awful lot, with some silent, terse evenings of miscommunications, but when six months came, I was ready to start trying. It is really difficult to face pregnancy after loss. I can only say this: Keep talking. Miscommunications and all, I think, help you both come to a place. In our case, a time frame was extremely helpful for us to navigate. xo

PS Marriage and relationships are really hard after a loss too. Grieving is such lonely business. Talking and keeping connected like that really is so vital.

Kevin said...

Thank you for mentioning the 6 month thing. Now I remember our doctor telling us to wait 6 months before trying again. Although a month later he told us my wife was healthy enough to start having kids and hasn't mentioned the 6 month wait again...

Ott1 said...

I guess it is different from a woman's point of view, we want to show our worth, something we were meant to do as women, and b/c we saw how ecstatic the loves of our lives were when we provided that to them. We blame ourselves, that we didn't make it happen or something wrong that we did. But to some degree, you should both be to a point TOGETHER to jump out.
Physically: The body should heal a bit, our dr said 6 months after the ectopic and we waited 3 and suffered the first miscarry. You want it to stick!!! :)

Tiffany said...

I may have mentioned this when we met up for the LA walk but Ill post it anyway. After Genesis died I could not get pregnant fast enough. My dr gave us the OK at my 6 week postpartum visit and we started trying immediately. of course getting pregnant again was healing in a way but to those out there on the internet, I must clarify that its not to replace the child that was lost. That can never be done. To me it was to give me a purpose. Something to look forward to. A light at the end of the tunnel if you will. Im so glad to have gotten pregnant pretty soon after because with my husband leaving me shortly after, I had nothing to live for but my rainbow baby. He saved my life.

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